Paeans - and Aches

over the years

Saturday, February 14, 2015

(More) Animal Passions

All of these are fact-based. Try me. Look them up.

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On V-Day, one male honeybee gets to mate, but at a sad price
Ejaculation ejects sperm. And genitals, which can't bee nice

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Echidna males have something that would make you scratch your forehead
The male valentine equipment comes with, you guessed it, four heads

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With anglerfish, the love-bite is for keeps, and that's no metaphor
The male *literally* stays attached: it's V-day for ever more

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You think your.. Valentine is big? Mate, you're actually quite thrifty
The male barnacle has a thing that's his body length times fifty.

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The Valentine antics of the antichinus are worthy of a talk at TED
They do nothing but bonk for weeks until the males go blind & drop dead

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Banana slugs are hermaphrodites, so each one can do & be done
But occasional apophallation can end the Valentine's fun of one

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Squid celebrate Valentine's day at arm's length, you could say
The male throws sperm packets, the female caches them away

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Dolphins don't have hands or feet, they're not 'manipulative'
But their prehensile male organs make V-day, um, creative

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According to @realscientists, nurse sharks are prone to hi-jinks
Their Valentine celebrations are a physical form of group-think

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Feline males have keratin barbs on their Valentine equipment
Withdrawal is painful, so females are quite vocal post delivery of shipment

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The water boatman's Valentine song's sung in a way that's all its own
It vibrates its penis against its abs, the loudest animal sound known

(in proportion to the critter's size)

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Harpactea sadistica ladies have no vagina-like place for.. deposits
So the gent drills one in her body & opens his Valentine faucet

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Turkeys meant for eating are for enormous breasts breeded
Which makes natural breeding tough, so artificial Valentinisation is needed

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Flatworms are hermaphrodites, they.. come with TWO 'swords' on the tummy
They fence each other for V-day, & the loser gets to be mummy

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Giant pandas don't seem to KNOW exactly how to get it on
So for Valentine season researchers have to show them panda porn

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Bonobos don't fight much; they resolve conflict with sexual play
In other words, for bonobos, every day is St Valentine's day

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Male marsupials have two-pronged penises which seems like too many for one
But the females have two vaginas, so they're ready for Valentine's fun

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Male 'gators don't need Valentine viagra, they have permanent erections
Excessive amounts of collagen there explain the constant distension

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Snakes & lizards have two sets of valentine tackle
But they use them one at a time, which is practical

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Amphibian Valentine play does not involve a nexus twixt the sexes
Daddy semi-leapfrogs Mummy, and then performs amplexus

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Older, ahem, couplets, here.

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