Paeans - and Aches

over the years

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Animal Passions keeps calm and carries on

The female lllacme plenipes is the leggiest animal: she walks on 750
The male has just 562, & 4 of those are gonopods, which is V-day nifty

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Arthropod aedeagi deliver spermatophores (capsules of spermatozoa)
Some leave 'em lying round on the ground (most only give them to their lovers)

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Some arthropods also give their partners gifts of spermatophylax
Which are balls of nutrients for the kiddies; a better gift than lilacs

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Most male spiders are smaller than females & a date could be a bad fate
So they detach their pedipalps & scarper & it continues to ejaculate

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Daddy-longlegs couples mate & then mum delivers fertilised eggs
Dad Daddy guards ’em, & doesn’t let mum Daddy eat ’em, not even if she begs

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The blanket octopus male doesn’t get between the sheets with his lover
He detaches a… load-bearing arm and leaves it with her to… deliver

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Hyena females have pseudopenises: clitorises which protrude 7 inches
For males this means they have to practise to get it in in the clinches

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Many placental mammals’ baculums & baubellums aid 'em when having sex
Not humans alas, but we still get boners: creditable in that context

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Leopard slugs are hermaphrodites who indulge in bondage play
They dangle from slime ropes & entwine penises & so literally swing both ways

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The queenless ant female pulls off the ultimate dick (re)move
While they’re at it, she bites it off but leaves it in to prove her V-day love

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Adactylidium mite females celebrate V-day while still inside mother
Then eat mama from the inside & leave, pregnant, thanks to their brother

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Mecoptera studs give gals V-day gifts: bugs that they have caught
Less alpha males pretend to be girls, take the bugs & go off to court

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The seahorse male has a cool Valentine gift: an egg pouch on his tummy
Bae drops her eggs in the pouch; he fertilises 'em & then he's mummy

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Giraffes have something in common with POTUS number 45
Males taste their ladies' urine as part of the courtship jive

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Fruit bat males have sex lives worthy of all male aspiration
While they're doing it the female encourages them with oral… affirmation

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Indian flying fox females get better Valentines than most other bats
The males provide lingual stimulation; they clearly know where it's at

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Hippopotamus Valentine's Day involves flying excrement
It may not work for you, good thing, 'cause for them it's signalling intent

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In California winters, garter snakes come out to play one and all
They tend to do in rather large groups; it's called a mating ball

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North Atlantic Right Whale threesomes are not easy to emulate
They can do simultaneous intromission; no one gets left… out, mate

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California beaches, they say, are known for mating games
But the orgies of the grunion put all the others to shame

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Lady Australian buprestid beetles are the colour of bottles of beer
Males have been seen…hitting bottles(like good Aussies they say Cheers!)

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Of course sloths are slow, and on Valentine's day they… linger
But they do it dangling from branches; they're the ultimate swingers

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Fig wasps are born in figs & their partners are their nestlings
You might say their Valentines are always quite incesting

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When sharks make out, serious biting is part of the ritual
So when a shark chomps into you, just say the feeling's not mutual

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Previously: 2005, 2014, 2015, 2016

Labels:

(P)ink-stained wretches

My #JournalistValentines from 2016 and 2017

From 2016

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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sources familiar with developments say
I could get exclusive with you

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How do I love thee?
...
Let me file a listicle
That counts the ways

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Deadlines don't matter
For you I am aching
If you don't go out with me
My heart will be #Breaking

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I'm nuts about you
I have to confess, love
No point denying it
They all know at Press Club

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Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
The Desk says no, that's way to clichéd

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Hey I just met you
And this is crazy
But I have to file by 10pm
Or my boss will slay me

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I love you more
Than press releases
You make me want
To stop the presses

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I've searched north and south
and east and west
You're one I want
To be my conflict of interest

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You say ink-stained wretches
Have no sense of romance
But I love you more
Than my travel allowance

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Do not doubt my love for you
'Tis more powerful than wild horses
I have confirmation
From two independent sources

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O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou a flack?
Quit that PR agency or if you won't. I'l quit being a hack

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If you were any sweeter, your last name would be fondant
That's why I want to be your principal correspondent

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I'll send you all my love by special cargo
And you can keep it in permanent embargo
#PRValentines

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You and I, darling, have a special accord
Don't you think it's time we went off the record?

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Some like Barkha & some like Rajdeep
I'm glad I like them both but, peeps,
I wonder if this channel switching
Is really all that bitching

Or are greater TRPs a sign?
Should I watch Newshour at nine?
Should I choose between anchor & anchor?
Or like the nation, watch that wanker?

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Closing time in the newsroom
& I have an idea, my sweet
The paper will soon be put to bed
We should follow toute suite

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Roses are red, pink, white, yellow, even black.. Sorry, where was I?
#ScienceWriterEdition

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Attn: Desk,
Did I make you wait?
I'm so sorry my dears.
This Valentine ain't late,
It's early for next year.

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2017 batch

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We're on the same beat and our publications compete
Alas it's only at press conferences that we get to meet

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Avec moi ce soir, voulez vous coucher?
Say oui and I'll fill out the on-assignment voucher

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Are things getting intense? Do we need clothes here?
I think we should practice full disclosure.

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Your advance (copy) has been received and seen
Now, let's both get Lit, if you know what I mean
#BooksPageEdition

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The markets are up by every index
Let's you and me meet and celebrate the sensex
#BusinessPageEdition

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With edits and op-eds the editor can fiddle
Let's you and me spend some time fine-tuning your middle
#EditPageEdition

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What would it take to get you to my kamra?
I could snapchat you my piece-to-camera
#TVEdition

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Of course it's legal; of course you oughta
I should know; I'm a crime reporter

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I'd be good for you, you know that my sweet
I spend all my time on the healthcare beat

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No one will know if we hook up, I solemnly swear
My bylines are all under diplomatic affairs

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Everyone knows Desk gives the best head
lines. So I'm a copy editor; take me to bed

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I don't edit copy, I'm not a reporting hack
But I have a column that I could show you in the sack

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That's a lens in my pocket but I'm happy to see ya
I'm the photographer and I'm good at exposures

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Yes, you're with @BuzzFeedIndia, but I still think we should date
Here are 17 reasons why I know it will be great

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I know you're very busy and online there's no off day
But surely you have time for a little @scroll_in the hay?

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Of course you're very busy with that Page 1 lead today
But maybe later you and I could do an exposé?

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I would confess my love which has grown & ripened
I would try to woo you but I don't even get a stipend

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There's also a Storify which collects verses from other people, from both years, here.